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In books and magazines of how to be and what to see while you are being, before and after photographs teach how to pass from reaching to believing. . . – Janis Ian, Between the Lines
The Avon Lady’s name was Delores, but everyone called her Dody. Every other Saturday she would make her appearance in my mother’s kitchen, filling the table with brochures and tiny samples of lipstick and cologne. Dody was the first person I ever met whose teeth were all capped. They were perfectly white and square, like shiny little Chiclets, and she enjoyed showing them off. “People ask if they’re really mine,” she would drawl, “and I say sure they are — I paid for them!” Dody repeated this or similar lines many times, and my mother would always respond with a closed-mouth obligatory smile. At 19, a dentist convinced her that she would be prettier with dentures than with her own gapped and poorly shaped teeth. MJ, who struggled with a large nose and weight issues, really wanted to be pretty. There were many things about MJ I’ll never understand, but when it comes to this, I am my mother’s daughter.
Shame. I hate that word, and its consequences of downcast eyes, denigrated spirits, battered minds, and careful, uneasy smiles. There’s something unnatural about shame when it’s the result of a person’s appearance and not their behavior. I know this, yet there are splinters of shame embedded in my heart; intractable, and full of fear. What will people think? How can I hide this? The assault by another teenager at thirteen, resulting in a fractured jaw and broken teeth, was not my fault, but three decades later — every day — I still feel the effects from that blow. Today, cosmetic dentistry has made the perfect smile, at least in America, almost commonplace. Unfortunately, for most of us with more than a gap to fill or a chip to fix, including me, the cost is prohibitive.
I think one of the reasons I appreciate British television so much is because it still allows actors to have crooked smiles and other physical flaws, while prime time faces in America, particularly those of women, tend to be altered into (denied or downplayed) perfection. It’s also why I appreciate women like Rosie O’Donnell, who’s very open about her ongoing dental work, and Demi Moore, who recently posted a Twitter picture showing her missing tooth. It’s rare for women at the top of the social hierarchy to give the rest of us a peek behind the curtain of make-believe.
As I neared Davenport, preparing to meet the first of my hosts, longtime reader Teri Matheason Voyna & her partner Kris Voyna, I took up battle with my self-esteem and my old wounds. I wondered if introversion was really natural for me, or the result of never quite feeling “good enough”, smart enough, pretty enough – perfected enough, or even just a little.
It was an unnecessary battle.
Teri was warm and gregarious, with an easy laugh, and many stories. I arrived late, long after Kris had gone to bed, and Teri and I stayed up even later, talking about my journey and her new career. I learned about lateral violence in nursing – a type of hazing that older nurses sometimes put junior or student nurses through. “Nurses eat their young”, Teri told me. One of her goals as a nurse is to do whatever she can to eradicate the culture that allows this type of traditional aggression to exist. It doesn’t make sense to her that some women — nursing is still largely a female profession — don’t extend empathy and care to their colleagues as they do to their patients. We also talked about the progressive politics of Iowa, which recently legalized gay marriage, versus the perception that it is a provincial Midwestern state.
The next night I met with a group of Teri and Kris’s friends at the Quad Citians Affirming Diversity Center (QCAD). Anne Lewis, another reader I knew only through emails and blog comments, was there along with about a dozen other women, and the director of QCAD, Scott Smith. After taking a tour of the center, which serves as “a safe meeting space for LGBTQ people of all ages”, as well as an education and advocacy resource, I sat down at a conference table with the group.
The thing that struck me was the bond of friendship between the women. It was easygoing, but deep. They knew each other’s pasts and their stories. They joked with each other, but gently; with affection. There was a warmth in the room that felt very much like acceptance. No one was eating their young here. Even a slightly nervous stranger from Minnesota seemed welcome.
Teri asked me to explain my journey, and as I did I inexplicably got a potato-sized lump in my throat. There was a long pause, during which no one spoke. I had a moment of panic, wondering if I had rambled on too long, bored the group, or somehow offended. Then, mercifully, a woman named Thea spoke up and told me that one of the stories I wrote, Elephant Girls, really moved both her and a coworker.
Elephant Girls was a story that Rosie O’Donnell once linked to on her site, and it continuously amazes me how many people came to know my work from that brief exposure, including Teri and Anne, and my current hosts at La Mirada, Imelda and Laura. It’s the enduring power of Ro – a celebrity who seems uncomfortable with stardom, but who sees the advantages of using it to promote what she considers worthy causes, like Rosie’s Broadway Kids, other authors and artists, and even products she’s excited about: I think Rosie is probably single-handedly responsible for the explosive sales of Flip video cameras last year.
Rosie offered to meet me when she was in Minneapolis for the True Colors tour. She was very polite, but it was an awkward experience. Later she told me she didn’t know who I was, and that I should have introduced myself as “postal worker Jane”. My feelings were hurt, but I also realized that was my job then. No matter what I wrote, I wouldn’t be considered “writer Jane” until that’s what I did full-time, so in a roundabout way, Rosie’s unintentional slight was motivating.
In Davenport, it was writer Jane who listened to a woman named Angie talk about how confused she was by her sister’s recent decision to go on the road in a van and sell her art. Angie told me that hearing the story of my journey made her wonder if she should be more supportive and less skeptical of her sister’s dreams. I encouraged her to do so, because whether a dream lasts for a week or a year – and even when the end is unpredictable – living out one dream allows others to be created. I’m not going to spend my year on the road wondering or worrying what will happen when the last person has been met and the last state visited. I’m determined, instead, to use every day to its fullest potential.
Scott and the women of Davenport sent me off with cookies, a huge bag of fresh coffee beans, and a generous donation that will see me through to Tuscon on Monday. More than that, they gave me the gift of acceptance. I could not have chosen a better first stop.
I left Iowa smiling.
p.s. – I would have pictures to show you, but my camera wasn’t working and I didn’t operate the one I borrowed correctly. It’s a learning experience. From now on, I’ll always take a backup.
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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
I hate the word “shame” too. It has it’s place in our vocabulary but you eloquently pointed out the difference between shame based on reasons we have no control over and those that we do.
I’m so happy that your hosts were lovely and generous. I imagine lateral violence occurs in many workplace environments. Sad. I’ve learned much from this piece, writer Jane.
Travel safely to Tucson! [I almost wrote "Utah"!] In a weird way… I miss you.
Chris´s last blog ..I Didn’t Finish My Post On Procrastination
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Cookies and coffee. Good old midwest hospitality. What better than the gift of hospitality and acceptance.
Pop and Ice´s last blog ..Considering Cat Puke when making Carpeting Decisions
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Two weeks ago a 13-year-old boy chipped his tooth in an accident on my property. My son was not responsible for the broken tooth, but all of us in our family were deeply upset. I never once thought a chipped tooth was any less than a Very Big Deal. I had never met the boy’s mom, but that night we assumed responsibility for his dental care because my sense was that if we didn’t, he might not get to see a dentist. The tooth turned out to be fractured in three places. My dentist referred the boy to a dental school hospital an hour away in an attempt to save the tooth. If he loses it, then he’ll have to have an implant.
People have told me we didn’t need to do this, that we should have held the boy who caused the accident responsible, but I wanted to be sure, absolutely sure, that this kid would not go through life with a broken or missing front tooth.
No matter what we say about appearance not mattering, we all know it DOES matter. How much it matters is what’s up for debate.
V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios´s last blog ..The art I bought in Dallas
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I just popped back to watch the video! AWESOME! Great report on Ruby. Thanks!
Chris´s last blog ..I Didn’t Finish My Post On Procrastination
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I was overjoyed when you received Ruby and showed her to us with all her bells, whistles, hybrid capabilities and great mileage. To me Ruby is safe and efficient transportation, one less thing to worry about while living your dream to find and meet people all across this country. You couldn’t have begun your trip in a better place. Iowa is awesome, full of hospitality and some of the kindest people. I enjoyed reading about the changes your hosts are working toward to improve lives and be supportive.
Defining ourselves to be more acceptable to others is a human fraility I hope we overcome really soon. I’m striving to be comfortable in this fluffy, middle-aged, saggy skin…the same as surviving in the skinny, acne-laden one. Admittedly, I just don’t pay as much attention to magazines advocating how I should look, what I must buy, or need to wear this season. I determine what I need because I’m the boss of me!
Psst…loved Ruby’s video and this post
I am a rather puzzled by the concept of “lateral violence” in nursing. Maybe I’ve lived under a rock or something, but as a nurse, even as a student, I never experienced that, nor did I ever see or hear of it being done to someone else. Maybe I was just lucky that such hazing never occurred to the hospital staff I was a member of all those years ago.
Shame, yes, it’s an awful word. I remember reading in a book regarding women and self-esteem that over 70% of all women are ashamed of their arms, legs, butts, breasts, and grossly exaggerate the perceived flaws in their everyday thinking. Women innately own the idea of shame, but we don’t start out that way. It takes an awfully strong-willed girl/woman to buck that ownership; too bad more of us aren’t like that.
Great stop! Be safe on the way, and can’t wait to read the next entry!
Patricia´s last blog ..What’s in a Name? Sometimes Everything… (originally posted 10/17/09)
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I will get the pictures sent! We were thrilled with your visit and glad you enjoyed your time here. We just wanted to make sure everyone else had something to live up to….remember people, cookies & coffee are the way to Jane’s heart….and if you have cake in the refrigerator whatever you do don’t forget it’s there when Jane wants a late night snack!
Guess what? I finally figured out how to get the new RSS feed!
Love this post. Why?? Because I have always hated my teeth and smile, and I even had braces when I was a teenager. But, sadly, I still see myself as the “big fat girl with the gap in her teeth”.
As one who has lived(barely at times) with eating disorders much of her life, I completely understand and empathize with never feeling “good enough”. ‘Nuff said.
Ruby is one heck of a woman/SUV hybrid. I think she likes me, but you know, I am fairly certain her heart/motor belongs to you Jane. However, the way she warmed my butt this evening….well, that made me feel so special. There isn’t anything that big girl can’t do is there?!
BTW—thanks for the trip to Tillery GMC. That ‘Enclave’ stole my heart.
Sorry I don’t have cookies for you. But maybe some artwork will suffice??
Shame is an awful word that has taken me years to stop using in reference to myself. It’s taken me years to become comfortable in my skin and this post just reaffirms the things we need to focus on in life.
We are a great nation full of wonderful people. I am learning to not judge like I used to. Your post illustrates the good still left in this world.
Safe travels, my friend. Good vibes coming your way from Arkansas!
Initially heard about your journey from Twenty-four At Heart and I’m really enjoying your writing and reflections.
I too am a nurse and have never heard of this phenomenon. The nurses I worked with from 16 on thru were always so supportive and helpful to younger nurses and to one another. I find this so apalling and sad.
Thought provoking words on shame, very powerful.
Can’t wait to hear more!
Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..Trick or Treat
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what a great decision
to travel around
ingest – live
amazing
backstage pre show is always intense
many people in and out
i remember a photographer?
u were with her…
it wasnt til i got home
and read ur e mail
that i realized u were u
the amazing woman who wrote that piece about girls
life
and u were a mailman
so to speak
i found u fascinating
on many levels
so
hearing i missed the chance to actually connect
with someone i know i would have
frustrated me
y didnt u tell me u were the mailman woman ?
meaning
i have a file folder in my head/heart
and urs is named mailman amazing writer
had u said that
the file would have popped up
on the screen saver brain of mine
and we could have had a human to human exchange
it was never a dis
in my mind
so
do u want to do a weekly spot on my radio show
where u read what u wrote
and we follow ur journey as u do it
i start nov 2
i am on mon – fri
for 2 yrs
let me know
I had a response to your post, which once again provoked thoughts in me, but then I saw that Rosie visited and WOOT! Two of my favorite people in one morning! I lost my train of thought! So you’re saying yes, right?
Rosie, you’re the BEST!
Jane, I love your writing!
I’ll come back later when I remember what I was going to say!
I thought about this last night and can only scatch the surface. My teeth have been a source of shame since I was a toodler. Yeah. Malocclusion, braces, rotten missing teeth…pain and suffering. Surgery, untold hours in dental chairs and thousands of dollars has finally provided some functional, stable *buckies*. But the memory lingers on.
Interesting that the Rosie connection has remained. That’s how I found you, as well. This really is the trip of a life time, eh?
Doris Rose MacBean´s last blog ..La Tosca
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Jane – I love your writing as well. It draws me in, tells me the story and unfolds more and more pieces of you. Safe travels and see you soon. (Go for the Ro offer!!!!)
Of course I said yes, and how awesome it was to be asked.
This was part of my response to Rosie:
Dear Rosie,
I know you didn’t mean it any hurtful way. It is what I did for a living — I just would have rather been doing what I’m doing now, living a fuller life and writing about it…
I would love to do a weekly spot on your show, and it’s an honor to be asked. Just let me know when and how — my contact info is below. And thank you, not just for this offer, but for sending so many people to me with Elephant Girls. I have met some of the kindest and most extraordinary people from that link, many of whom I’ll be meeting face-to-face during this journey.
It really is amazing to go from dreaming to doing….I feel incredibly blessed.
I really do. I am meeting some wonderful people — nurses, artists, loving families, and today I’ll be meeting with a man who inspires children to enjoy math through the use of art and fractals. If I was not out here, and if it weren’t for the support of all of you, my world would not be expanding like this.
Huge thanks to Rosie, and to every single one of you!
Monday! You’ll be here Monday!
A clip from my train of thought: “The garden’s a mess. Have I washed the sheets? Hope it doesn’t get too hot. Will she think I’m a fraud? Am I a fraud? The dogs will drive her crazy.”
Stop.
Breathe deeply. Calm the mind. Listen to the heart. Center.
The train continues: “I’m so excited. Can’t wait to connect Jane’s physical voice to her writing voice. We have a lot in common. It’ll be fun to share. Hope she likes the wines we brought back from our trip. The dogs will drive her crazy.”
When you arrive I’ll unabashedly stand tall despite the thighs that wrought havoc on my self esteem for years. I hope you will do the same despite…whatever.
Kim Nelson´s last blog ..Love & Grace
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Okay, I forgot what I was going to say because, woot, Rosie!
Meeting people IN PERSON, in all that it means, this post is amazing. It’s so funny, our shame, because often it’s those differences–the frizzy hair, the gap between two teeth, the way my son’s fourth toe curves like a squashed lima bean — that we treasure when we get to know someone.
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Jane … your star is rising! And I am so very thrilled for you! Such abundance!!
D~
Donna L. Faber´s last blog ..KALEIDOSCOPE
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Maureen & Patricia, I am glad to hear you have never heard of or experienced lateral violence in nursing. Unfortunately, it does exist and is happening all over the country..
http://www.nursingworld.org/mods/mod440/lateralfull.htm
http://allnurses.com/general-nursing-discussion/lateral-violence-how-232873.html
http://news.nurse.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200661222029
P.S. Jane, yeah Rosie!!!!!! I am so excited for you!!!
Teri, you are, unfortunately, so right! Since I hadn’t heard the term before, I looked up lateral violence this morning and was amazed to read what it is and how prevalent it is. It’s always been with us to some extent, of course, but had never been given a name. Truly a sad situation…
Patricia Caliguire´s last blog ..“Lateral Violence” — That’s News to Me–or Is It?
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It looks like this falling backwards is working out pretty well for you so far. Abundance abounds. I’m so glad we got to meet before you left!
Voix´s last blog ..Travel wish list
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This is so absolutely NEAT! I got to know about you through the piece you wrote about Rosie, which was posted on her blog. And to have the two of you connect in this way, it’s incredible. Your journey is starting out just wonderfully great! Once again, I love reading your words, you are able to express thoughts and ideas in such a marvellous way, wish I could do the same. I’m definitely along for the ride!
I hope your travels bring you to New York. Your stories would resonate with the teens I work with…and it would be incredible for them to meet you…One of the girls is a particularly gifted and empathetic writer and I’m going to forward your blog to her…
Enjoy your journey-
Kerry
http://www.oneisgreaterthannone.org
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Jane, I knew in my heart that old Bronco was never going to make it to the west coast. I completely dispared thinking of you driving it, maybe in snow or driving rain and then came Ruby. I love her as much as you do. Ann Parker
Weather update- it’s getting cooler in the Old Pueblo- perfect for evening chats on the porch and hearing about your travels. I’m thrilled you’ll be a weekly addition to Rosie O’Donnell’s radio show- Going live, listening to the two of you interact as you travel the entire country would be the cherry on the topping of this great adventure!
Can I take a ride in Ruby? It looks more like a comfy sitting room on wheels. (are those leather seats too? )
for what it’s worth, you have always been Jane-the-writer both in my head and in my descriptions of you in passive conversation. it’s always, “my friend Jane, the writer…”
a couple days ago Becky and i were talking about teeth…imperfect teeth and how underrated imperfection is in general. all based on this youtube video and the lead singers incredibly cool diastema…because, let’s face it…diastema is sexy…well, unless it’s on Condie Rice’s face and then it’s comical but she is the exception.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxW3Ed7GrhQ
i mean, i had the biggest crush of Lauren Hutton growing up. think she would make it in modeling now? pshaw. and while i’m talking about Becky and coolness, this is the song i referenced by saying “i’m back where i started”…i’m linking from my site which is breaking all sorts of copyright rules but i can’t find it online anywhere. Susan Tedeschi and Derek Trucks are slightly obscure (why? i have no clue because i love em)
http://www.print-worthy.com/back_where_i_started.mp3
hey jane? if Rosie is involved and you are going to be reporting from the field, does that mean we have to behave when you land here? we were planning all sorts of obscure Gummo type fun….and when are you going to fix your god damn camera????! i need visuals, woman! that’s just how i roll….
love ya…mean it.
kris D.´s last blog ..to be made to feel…
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Thank you everyone for your support, encouragement, and kind words. I feel like I’m traveling with a posse of amazing people. I hope I’ll meet more and more of you in my travels because so far, the readers that I have met have been delightful.
I hope you enjoy the next story, which kind of fell into my lap when I met the mother of my current hosts at La Mirada hotel. I fell in love with Viola and her family….if I did their story justice, you’ll understand why.
KRIS D—I followed all your links and oohed and ahhed over the music therein. And your wit! I want you to post more on your blog!
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I’ve been listening to the Rosie show all week waiting for a mention of your blog, and now it’s Friday, so I’m hoping you’re on today! That was cool of her to come here and comment, and makes me even more of a fan.
You’ve always been writer Jane to me, and I’m so happy for you that you’ll now be that in the eyes of others too.
You’ve written so much, and so many great stories, that every time I think I have a favorite it gets replaced.
I’m following you every step of the way!