Meet My Hosts

Whenever I go someplace new, someone always tries to point me towards the tourist attractions, but this trip isn’t about roller coasters and monuments, it’s about reflections, stories, and people. I’ve been fortunate to have the kind of readers that invite me into their homes and who generously share their stories with me. Without them, this year-long trip across the country would not be possible.

I’ve discovered that my hosts are as diverse as the places I’ve visited — a surprise that has left me feeling supremely lucky. As a writer, I “write what I know”, but I’ve always wondered about the danger of pigeonholes. There could be several focal points that were limiting — politics, class, single parenthood, gayness, child advocacy, my propensity to analyze things, and even my occasional forays into fiction and poetry. To discover that there’s a universality to the stories I’ve written, and that my readers are so varied, has been enlightening. The world is not black and white after all, and people can relate to each other even when their life experiences have been so profoundly different.

Recently, in Arkansas, I met Hiedi. Her story was so difficult, I thought it best that she told it herself. Here is what she wrote:

I am a single mother from Cave City, Arkansas who moved back to my hometown after years spent wandering the country. In my short thirty-four years, I have worn many hats – mother, daughter, friend, retail manager, creator- but the last five years awakened me to a life I never imagined I would struggle with. I have hope now where once I was consumed with fear and despair.

I lost my youngest son, Kaiden, in 2005 after having asked his father to watch him for me while I got our life set up in Texas. I was accused of abandoning him to his aunt and quickly learned that without money, the system works against you. Lawyers do not come cheap. Within months, I had two nervous breakdowns and lost my oldest son, Reilly, to his aunt in Texas. In less than one year, everything that meant anything in my life was gone and I lost everything I owned except for my car and a few possessions I could carry in it.

It has taken almost five years, but Reilly is ten and is on his way home. I rebuilt my life with the loving support of a close inner circle of friends and a self-determination that I never realized I had. Still, Kaiden’s family keeps him hidden from, never allowing me any contact, always giving bad numbers and returning any packages I manage to get to a valid address. I have faith, though, that despite everything, I will find him and he will be returned to us. Arkansas granted me full legal custody when Kaiden was born and as best as I can tell, his father has never been granted it.

I left Hiedi’s small, rural home feeling like I had been shown part of a challenged life that was in the process of transformation. I then drove to Springfield, Missouri to visit Susan, known online as MizQ2. She prefers to remain anonymous. Her husband is an attorney and she often contributes to political discussions.

Susan is an attractive, intelligent, middle-aged woman who has raised three successful children. We discussed the empty place that children leave behind when they move out. We both experienced the feeling of being somehow “done” when the children we spent years focused on skipped out of immediate view. It’s not that we didn’t have other interests or passions, but the role of nurturer was the one that brought us the most happiness. We laughed about how that translates to adult children. When my daughter came home from Iraq, I couldn’t wait to do her laundry.

Susan’s middle daughter recently visited and brought along her girlfriend, whose family has disowned her for being gay. Susan doesn’t understand that kind of mentality. Her own daughter’s coming out was forced by a school controversy, but Susan and her husband were not surprised. Their immediate reaction was to protect their child. Susan grew up in a conservative family, and understands where the shame of families who ostracize gay children comes from, but she sees it as cruel and hypocritical.

I left Missouri for Minnesota, arriving late Wednesday night. Five months before I left on this journey — before it was even an idea — I wrote a post about how much I detest the trees here. Of course it wasn’t just the trees, which are barren now, but the experiences I had in the land of long winters, tater-tot casseroles, and “Minnesota Nice”. I never adapted to this culture, which has always seemed to value that which is quiet, reserved, stoical, and veiled. People here often ask me if I’m from New York, which is code for being considered loud, even brash. I am neither, but I am open and when there’s an elephant in the room, I tend to point it out rather than pretend it doesn’t exist.  And there have been many elephants here, from stalkers in the suburbs to teen meth addicts “up North”.

While I’ve known fewer good experiences than bad in Minnesota, one of the best was meeting my friend Carrie Luthy, who lives on a 140 acre farm in Chaska. I lived on Ideal Farms for three years, and learned how to clean stalls, cut pastures, and care for horses. I’ve always loved the big yellow farmhouse, with its 180-degree views of corn fields, silos, and outbuildings.

Carrie was widowed several years ago, and lost one of her three sons to a train accident, but she survived these tragedies and other, lesser ones with dignity, strength, and a nature that gravitates toward love, humor, and happiness. She’s the kind of person whose mood is infectious — when she laughs, which is often, you can’t help but laugh with her.

I’m exceedingly grateful for all my hosts so far, each of whom has enriched this journey in their own ways. Previous hosts include:

Kris and Teri Matheson-Voyna – A married gay couple living in Davenport, IA who have been together for ten years. Kris is a businesswoman and Teri is a nurse. They introduced me to many of their friends at the Quad Cities Affirming Diversity Center and helped raise funds for my trip. One of my favorite memories is the Farrah hair style I got in Davenport — which you saw if you’re my Facebook friend.

Imelda Sisneros, Laura Jayne Flick, and the Sisneros Family - Imelda and Laura are partners who are still wildly in love after several years. The Sisneros family owns the La Mirada Hotel, which became my sanctuary in New Mexico. The three sisters who run the hotel — Imelda, Gina, and Carolyn — made me feel like I, too, could be one of matriarch Viola’s daughters. I adore Viola. She’s an exceptionally outgoing and warm woman with tons of stories she tells in a lilting Spanish accent. She also has an affinity for plastic baby Jesus dolls and hot pants. I wanted to take her on the road with me. I think we might have made a less dangerous Thelma and Louise.

Kris Delano – I stayed with Kris, who is a gifted photographer, in Redondo Beach. She has twin boys, David and Wyatt, who are so beautiful that they occasionally model.  Kris is a sensitive and focused artist who is known for her beautiful family portraits, but who is equally creative with her cell phone. (Click on the link to see a series she recently did with Rebekka Haas). I loved sitting out on the front porch with her, talking about everything from kids to deep feelings.

Danny Miller – I’ve been a fan of Danny’s blog for a long time, but when he began to write about his wife Kendall’s pregnancy, and the subsequent loss of his newborn twin son Oliver,  and brother Charlie’s fight for life, I developed an appreciation for the man as well as the writer. After following Danny and Kendall’s story for months, it was an incredibly tender and joyful moment when I got to hold their son, Charlie. Charlie’s eyes are big and bright, and he smiles as if he’s never known anything resembling a worry.

Michael and Julia Janzen – I don’t remember when Julia began commenting on my blog, but her words were always encouraging and often enlightening. I was excited to finally meet her in person, and she was exactly as I imagined her. She and Michael live in Fair Oaks, CA and are proponents of the tiny house movement, which I had not heard of before Julia led me to Michael’s blog. They are the adoptive parents of a very bright four year-old named Katie, and hope to adopt another child in the immediate future.

Suzi Kressler –  As a teenager, Suzi survived a fall that has killed over 40 people. Her accidental trip down Tanque Verde Falls left her with broken bones, a slight brain injury, and a loss of hearing in one ear, but Suzi went on to marry, have three children, and a varied consulting career. She’s an expert cook who was raised by an organically-minded mother when organic food was still considered hippie fare. My visit with her in Tucson was memorable for several reasons, including Suzi’s warmth, generosity, and amazing chicken soup.

Chrisy Ross – Chrisy left a lucrative technical writing career to focus on raising her three boys. The eldest has diabetes, and I learned a lot from Chrisy about how much work and dedication it takes to maintain the health of a child with a chronic illness. I had always thought diabetes was a fairly “easy” disease to manage — I had no idea how many times a day blood sugar has to be checked and medication adjusted. Chrisy has a full plate, but she still manages to engage her passion for running, and even occasionally enters a marathon. Chrisy is a nurturer by nature — she sent me off with bags of protein bars, nuts, oatmeal cookies and more. I didn’t have to buy snacks for weeks.

Evelyn Phillips – I met Evelyn through Laura from La Mirada, and she instantly invited me to stay with her while I was in Portland.  Evelyn and I bonded quickly — she’s a very warm and kind person — and I immediately felt at home in the large, rambling house she shares with her youngest daughter, a roommate, a baby, a cat and a dog. Evelyn’s oldest daughter is a professional burlesque dancer, and one of the most fun nights I’ve had on this trip was going to see her and her friends perform. Evelyn also introduced me to the seduction that is Karma by Lush. Patchouli: it’s not just for hippies anymore.

Erica Mullenix – Erica, who lives in Houston, was introduced to me by French teacher, writer, and aspiring comedian Michele Campbell of Minneapolis. She’s a blogger and the mother of three children, who was recently laid off from her job at an oil company. Still, she graciously invited me to share her home during part of my Texas stay, and to join the celebration of her teen daughter’s birthday. I fell in love with her kids, who are gentle and polite, and I got to play with Erica’s baby — babies always makes me happy.

Dr. Nancy McClellan – Twitter is an amazing resource. I met Rodney Campbell through Twitter, which led me to Mara Gordon, who led me to the second of my Texas hosts, a chiropractor/acupuncturist who lives in Dallas. Nancy and I hit it off right away, and we exchanged services — a chiro session for a massage. I enjoyed the tranquility of her house, which is filled with statues of Buddha and meditative art.

Who will I meet next? I don’t know, but I hope my good luck continues. The people I have met so far, including my host families, have all added to the positive experience of being a writer on the road. My faith in the essential goodness of people has been renewed, and I look forward to the next leg of my trip, which includes Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, Indiana, and Ohio. I’ll also be stopping back in Minnesota the week of 2/18 to do some work and raise some funds. My book is now four chapters done, but much like this journey, I’m realizing that I’ve barely scratched the surface. There is so much left to discover, both on the road and within myself.